Thirty 30-word stories for April 2017
4/01/2017: “A Fool and His Dog”
On April first, I joked with my dog that he couldn't have a single bite. The little smart ass bit me. I didn't know that dogs recognized April Fools’ Day.
4/02/2017: “An Autobiographical 30-Word Story”
With April Fools’ Day over, I feel I can trust social media again, but my trust issues in writing offline have been strong ever since Ray Bradbury’s death in 2012.
4/03/2017: “What The World Needs Now”
Beneath stormy skies, Twitler accepted the stranger’s metal umbrella pre-address, to avoid President Harrison’s fate. He was soon struck dead by lightning. The Reaper, and the world, sighed in relief.
4/04/2017: “Reality w/ a SF Twist”
The time-traveling clone’s mission had been to go back and kill the future leader, preventing disaster. Its masters hadn’t planned on the power going to its head. Chaos happens anyway.
4/05/2017: “Behind The Scenes of The Force Awakens”
Han: “We gotta defeat the Empire.”
Finn: “‘First Order.’”
JJ: “Thank you!”
“Sorry! I didn’t…”
“Make Star Wars with black guys?”
“What about Lando?”
Hooper: “FUCK Lando Calrissian!”
4/06/2017: “Define Irony”
On Wednesday, during the week of Augusta’s 2017 Masters Golf Tournament, nearby areas throughout Georgia and South Carolina were struck by terrible storms, including “golf ball-sized hail.” Oh, the irony…
4/07/2017: “A Reality-Based Fiction (I Hope)”
Making an attempt to look like Alice Cooper at one of the rocker’s shows is hard for a fat guy. Going to jail under suspicion of stalking is even harder.
4/08/2017: “Golfing Ghost”
The kids thought it would be funny to fake an Arnold Palmer haunting at the Augusta National during the tournament. Arnie’s real spirit didn’t like that, and let them know.
4/09/2017: “Sunday Sinners”
Skipping church to have sex was one of the young couple’s great joys. Going to church to have sex was another. They soon paid for their sins with their souls.
4/10/2017: "Monday Maniac"
Most people hate going back to work on Mondays, but not the prison executioner. He loved his job! ...Too much. After a murder spree, he was replaced, and executed himself.
4/11/2017: “The Lizard”
Ever since adding the plush lizard Pascal, from Tangled, to my desktop collection, I’ve noticed that there aren’t as many flying insects around the computer. I guess Disney is magical…
4/12/2017: “Mouthing Aloud”
The undercover cop had been hiding his recent hearing impairment. During a stakeout, his partner silently mouthed, "Don't blow our cover," which the deaf cop answered... aloud, revealing their secrets.
4/13/2017: “National Poetry Month Autobiographical Limerick”
My schedule is full on April 13.
I’ve an afternoon appointment with Dr. D.
But I've nothing to do
'til a quarter past two.
Rhymes for the month of poetry!
4/14/2017: “Why Leap Year Sucks, by Jason Voorhees”
Today’s Friday, April 14th. If not for the extra day in February, today might be Friday the 13th… Is it Leap Year? My memory sucks, since I’m hydrocephalic… and undead.
4/15/2017: “A 30-Word Sales Pitch Poem”
My book about psychic vampires
Has a wicked cop convinced that they’re liars.
It’s called The Odic Touch
And it’s cheap all this month,
And I would really appreciate buyers!
4/16/2017: “The Resurrection Horror”
There are often “zombie Jesus” jokes on Easter. The scariest part of a Resurrection Sunday apocalypse would be seeing undead mall Easter Bunnies, and kids hunting for flesh, not eggs.
1. I really hate April Fools' Day...
2. My mistrust of writing offline is true. June 6th, 2012, I turned off my Wifi to write/edit. When I turned it back on, I had numerous notifications about Ray Bradbury's death. I've been afraid to cut off my Wifi for writing purposes ever since.
3. Let me be clear... I don't REALLY think the world would be better off if the POTUS died. But I wouldn't be upset were the thin-skinned reality star impeached and removed from office.
4. Inspired by 12 Monkeys, the movie. I've never seen the TV series.
5. In case you haven't seen Kevin Smith's Chasing Amy, the character of Hooper X makes a hilarious speech (including the line he says in my story) about how racist the original Star Wars trilogy was. (And since it was made before the prequels, it was the ONLY Star Wars trilogy at the time.) I want to draw this exchange as a comic... or, rather, I would if I could draw worth a damn. During the original 30 words/30 days/30 stories thing, one of the guidelines was that the daily story could be art other than written work... I may adapt this story for a picture some other time this month...
6. Yesterday, the golfers were in for a nasty surprise. There were even tornadoes in some of the smaller towns, and thunderstorms across the Augusta area. And since I've almost always lived in the Augusta area, I often feel inspired to write out my frustrations with the yearly tournament. Yesterday seemed a little too real, though.
7. I do have a rocker wig, and a mask that looks an awful lot like Alice Cooper. I want to wear them to the show on 4/30... but my sister told me I shouldn't. This story illustrates that she could be right!
8. The sports casters on TV during the golf tournament Saturday mentioned that this was the first Masters without the late Arnold Palmer. This story is in poor taste... but many of my stories are.
9. Another story in poor taste. A lot of these stories are inspired by the day I write them. Sunday, for instance...
10. ...and Monday, for another.
11. Yesterday, I received a Pascal "Mini Tsum-Tsum" from Disney Movie Rewards, because I'm a man-child and don't care who knows it. Anyway, I thought I'd play with the concept in a fictitious manner... and for today's 30-word story, it works.
12. Simple enough. I wondered what would happen if undercover cops mouthed to each other if one was deaf. Would he reply aloud, or figure out that they were supposed to keep quiet? I thought it was funny, anyway.
13. This began as a Facebook status update. I made a rhyme, but that was the only writing I did that day. I needed 30 words, so I made it a limerick!
14. Again, I’m playing with the days of the week. I couldn’t remember if this was a Leap Year or not, but I thought it would be a pain for Jason Voorhees, waiting for a Friday the 13th. Since my memory sucks, I made his bad memory a result of his… condition.
15. Inspired by a new coupon code for The Odic Touch, I decided to write a new 30-word sales pitch limerick!
16. Happy Easter! “Zombie Jesus” is nowhere near as scary to me as zombie Mall Easter Bunnies…