Thirty 30-word stories for April 2017
4/01/2017: “A Fool and His Dog”
On April first, I joked with my dog that he couldn't have a single bite. The little smart ass bit me. I didn't know that dogs recognized April Fools’ Day.
4/02/2017: “An Autobiographical 30-Word Story”
With April Fools’ Day over, I feel I can trust social media again, but my trust issues in writing offline have been strong ever since Ray Bradbury’s death in 2012.
4/03/2017: “What The World Needs Now”
Beneath stormy skies, Twitler accepted the stranger’s metal umbrella pre-address, to avoid President Harrison’s fate. He was soon struck dead by lightning. The Reaper, and the world, sighed in relief.
4/04/2017: “Reality w/ a SF Twist”
The time-traveling clone’s mission had been to go back and kill the future leader, preventing disaster. Its masters hadn’t planned on the power going to its head. Chaos happens anyway.
4/05/2017: “Behind The Scenes of The Force Awakens”
Han: “We gotta defeat the Empire.”
Finn: “‘First Order.’”
JJ: “Thank you!”
“Sorry! I didn’t…”
“Make Star Wars with black guys?”
“What about Lando?”
Hooper: “FUCK Lando Calrissian!”
4/06/2017: “Define Irony”
On Wednesday, during the week of Augusta’s 2017 Masters Golf Tournament, nearby areas throughout Georgia and South Carolina were struck by terrible storms, including “golf ball-sized hail.” Oh, the irony…
4/07/2017: “A Reality-Based Fiction (I Hope)”
Making an attempt to look like Alice Cooper at one of the rocker’s shows is hard for a fat guy. Going to jail under suspicion of stalking is even harder.
4/08/2017: “Golfing Ghost”
The kids thought it would be funny to fake an Arnold Palmer haunting at the Augusta National during the tournament. Arnie’s real spirit didn’t like that, and let them know.
4/09/2017: “Sunday Sinners”
Skipping church to have sex was one of the young couple’s great joys. Going to church to have sex was another. They soon paid for their sins with their souls.
4/10/2017: "Monday Maniac"
Most people hate going back to work on Mondays, but not the prison executioner. He loved his job! ...Too much. After a murder spree, he was replaced, and executed himself.
4/11/2017: “The Lizard”
Ever since adding the plush lizard Pascal, from Tangled, to my desktop collection, I’ve noticed that there aren’t as many flying insects around the computer. I guess Disney is magical…
4/12/2017: “Mouthing Aloud”
The undercover cop had been hiding his recent hearing impairment. During a stakeout, his partner silently mouthed, "Don't blow our cover," which the deaf cop answered... aloud, revealing their secrets.
4/13/2017: “National Poetry Month Autobiographical Limerick”
My schedule is full on April 13.
I’ve an afternoon appointment with Dr. D.
But I've nothing to do
'til a quarter past two.
Rhymes for the month of poetry!
4/14/2017: “Why Leap Year Sucks, by Jason Voorhees”
Today’s Friday, April 14th. If not for the extra day in February, it’d be Friday the 13th …Is it Leap Year? My memory, math skills suck… since I am undead.
4/15/2017: “A 30-Word Sales Pitch Poem”
My book about psychic vampires
Shows how they exacerbate fires.
It’s called The Odic Touch
And it’s cheap all this month,
And I’d really appreciate buyers!
(Quick note: TODAY-April 30th-is the LAST day to get The Odic Touch for 99c from Smashwords, with coupon code GD52P)
4/16/2017: “The Resurrection Horror”
There’s always “zombie Jesus” jokes on Easter. The scariest part of a Resurrection Sunday apocalypse would be undead mall Easter Bunnies, or zombie children hunting for flesh instead of eggs.
4/17/2017: “Deadly Drinks”
The Cobra King of Hong Kong uses snakes to make liquor, though some vipers have survived the process and reanimated. I now know where to take my alcoholic friends’ remains.
4/18/2017: “Don’t Ban, Boycott”
Banning books written by objectively awful people does nothing to help future generations understand past and present social struggles. Boycotts are much more effective. Just don’t boycott my books, please.
4/19/2017: “Angry Mermaids”
Rusalki, or mermaids in Russian/Ukrainian culture, are more evil than their Western counterparts, and with good reason. If I had to live in subzero water constantly, I’d be pissed, too.
4/20/2017: “Literally Bombed Back to the Stoned Age”
On 4/20, stoners around the world celebrate their favorite drug: marijuana! If foreign enemies ever decide to launch an attack sparking global nuclear war, today’s the perfect day for it.
4/21/2017: “Suicide/Fired/No Re-Election”
Hernandez, O’Reilly, and Chaffetz will, hopefully, soon be out of social awareness. It seems the universe is purging its human garbage. Let us pray that a Presidential Impeachment is forthcoming.
4/22/2017: “Earth Day: Not Enough?”
Earth had its own holiday, and scientists fighting climate change… But that wasn’t enough to save it. Earth wasn’t killed by alien invaders or nuclear war, but by ignorant greed.
4/23/2017: “Rusalki, Revisited”
Knowing the Rusalka legends, Ivan found the inner strength to drop a heavy stone into the lake, shattering the beautiful yet vengeful spirit’s hold long enough for him to flee.
4/24/2017: "Dr. Gonzo's Personal Drink"
On Travel Channel's Best Bars, I saw Aspen's Woody Creek, one-time office of Hunter Thompson. They have liquor made from potatoes fertilized by his ashes. Now that's a Gonzo drink!
4/25/2017: "Rejected Pickup Line #4"
I told the Pisces, "You're a water sign? I'm a fire sign... Let's get together and make some steam!" She slapped me. Oh, well... plenty of fish in the sea.
4/26/2017: “Alien Day”
Eons ago, humans celebrated Alien Day, referencing a 1979 movie. Had they known how long this damn war would last, they probably would’ve spent that day avenging early anal probes.
4/27/2017: “Teeny, Money-Negative Troubles”
Why is the last $20 easier to spend before great sale items become available? I had enough for 14 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics… until the day before the sale.
4/28/2017: “Arbor Fool’s Day”
Unsatisfied by April Fool’s Day, the prankster planted some acorns in a cemetery on Arbor Day. The following spring, the graves were disturbed by roots, giving rise to zombie rumors.
4/29/2017: “The Pissed Exterminator”
“Tyler The Bug Killer” had a rough day. Upon returning home, the exterminator found his wife loving another man. He murdered them both, earning the nickname, “Tyler The Bug-shit Killer.”
4/30/2017: “Rock the Afterlife”
If a man dies at an Alice Cooper concert, would he still hear the rock songs in the afterlife? Hopefully he would not hear “Go To Hell” or “The Congregation.”
1. I really hate April Fools' Day...
2. My mistrust of writing offline is true. June 6th, 2012, I turned off my Wifi to write/edit. When I turned it back on, I had numerous notifications about Ray Bradbury's death. I've been afraid to cut off my Wifi for writing purposes ever since.
3. Let me be clear... I don't REALLY think the world would be better off if the POTUS died. But I wouldn't be upset were the thin-skinned reality star impeached and removed from office.
4. Inspired by 12 Monkeys, the movie. I've never seen the TV series.
5. In case you haven't seen Kevin Smith's Chasing Amy, the character of Hooper X makes a hilarious speech (including the line he says in my story) about how racist the original Star Wars trilogy was. (And since it was made before the prequels, it was the ONLY Star Wars trilogy at the time.) I want to draw this exchange as a comic... or, rather, I would if I could draw worth a damn. During the original 30 words/30 days/30 stories thing, one of the guidelines was that the daily story could be art other than written work... I may adapt this story for a picture some other time this month...
6. Yesterday, the golfers were in for a nasty surprise. There were even tornadoes in some of the smaller towns, and thunderstorms across the Augusta area. And since I've almost always lived in the Augusta area, I often feel inspired to write out my frustrations with the yearly tournament. Yesterday seemed a little too real, though.
7. I do have a rocker wig, and a mask that looks an awful lot like Alice Cooper. I want to wear them to the show on 4/30... but my sister told me I shouldn't. This story illustrates that she could be right!
8. The sports casters on TV during the golf tournament Saturday mentioned that this was the first Masters without the late Arnold Palmer. This story is in poor taste... but many of my stories are.
9. Another story in poor taste. A lot of these stories are inspired by the day I write them. Sunday, for instance...
10. ...and Monday, for another.
11. Yesterday, I received a Pascal "Mini Tsum-Tsum" from Disney Movie Rewards, because I'm a man-child and don't care who knows it. Anyway, I thought I'd play with the concept in a fictitious manner... and for today's 30-word story, it works.
12. Simple enough. I wondered what would happen if undercover cops mouthed to each other if one was deaf. Would he reply aloud, or figure out that they were supposed to keep quiet? I thought it was funny, anyway.
13. This began as a Facebook status update. I made a rhyme, but that was the only writing I did that day. I needed 30 words, so I made it a limerick!
14. Again, I’m playing with the days of the week. I couldn’t remember if this was a Leap Year or not, but I thought it would be a pain for Jason Voorhees, waiting for a Friday the 13th. Since my memory sucks, I made his bad memory a result of his… condition.
15. Inspired by a new coupon code for The Odic Touch, I decided to write a new 30-word sales pitch limerick!
16. I always have to reference the zombie Jesus come Easter…
17. Last night I watched Booze Traveler in Hong Kong. The Cobra King is real… and female. Take that, gender roles!
18. This morning’s email talked about Bill Cosby’s Little Bill series being banned or challenged in libraries. The above were my thoughts on the matter…
19. Fellow author Jessica McHugh shared some #inspirado involving the Rusalki, Russian/Ukrainian “mermaids” who lure men to their watery graves after a sad or violent drowning death. The picture was cool, and before I read the description that came with it (other than the mermaids part), I whipped up 30 words for it. It’s a subject I may want to revisit in the future.
20. I’ve known a lot of stoners in my time. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if world leaders smoked the stuff in private, and took the time to observe this “holiday.”
21. So long, human garbage!
22. Earth Day gets more depressing every year, but especially this year, with science deniers controlling the government…
23. I said I wanted to revisit the Rusalka myth, and I did!
24. Last night was the premiere of this season's Booze Traveler: Best Bars, and Aspen was one of the spotlights. When I learned that potatoes were planted where HST's ashes landed and used to make booze, I immediately wanted to go to that bar and drink in his essence. Maybe it'd make me a better writer!
25. This is an actual pick-up line I made up when I was in my 20s. I only used it online, because if I'm being honest, I was (and still am) not interested in a sexual partner, so I said stupid shit like this without caring if it impressed women or not.
(In case you missed it elsewhere on the site, I've recently come to grips with being asexual... mostly thanks to the current Jughead comic series. Who said comic books weren't a serious social literary medium?)
But yeah, in case you're wondering, the "Pisces/fish" thing is a pun that occurred to me. I may not like physical intimacy, but I love a good pun! ;-)
26. Something for Alien Day. I’m proud of this one. ;-)
27. True story.
28. Arbor Day pranks… Ridiculous! But at the same time, hilarious! ("Giving rise to zombie rumors" is another pun I like... Hopefully, I'm over-explaining the puns for no reason, and all of my readers "got" them right away. I have the smartest readers, after all!)
29. I heard an ad for "pest exterminators," but the woman's Southern accent made it sound like something stranger. There’s a Haiku about it below!
That misheard radio ad inspired 4/29’s story. I just wish I had more than 30 words to talk about Tyler The Bug Killer! I may revisit him in prison…
30. The big day! I only hope nobody dies at the concert…
And for National Poetry Month, which will officially be over at midnight:
4/16/2017: “Happy Easter Haiku”
“Zombie Jesus” is
Not as scary to me as
Mall Easter Bunnies…
4/26/2017 Random Haiku: “Happy LV-426”
It’s Alien Day!
Huzzah for Ridley Scott’s film!
Boo to face huggers.
4/28/2017 Random Haiku: “Misheard Advert”
I believe angry
Pest killers should be called “Pissed